My 2-year-old's very dependent on his pacifier. I'd like to wean him off it, but don't want to take away his source of security. What should I do?

Expert Answers
Penelope Leach, child psychologist

Continuing to use a pacifier now isn't a serious problem — certainly not as serious as your child's distress would be if you took it away from him. Still, it's not ideal. When your child is bored, he'd be better off doing something interesting. When he's hungry or thirsty, he'd be better off with a cracker and some milk. And when he's upset, he'd be better off telling you what it is he needs and wants.

The very efficiency with which a pacifier smothers most signs of distress can lessen your inclination to listen to your child. This, in turn, hinders his confidence in his ability to express his needs. What's more, a child who's overly dependent on his pacifier may talk less than one whose mouth isn't always plugged. I saw a child in the park one day, for instance, who spotted a squirrel darting up a tree and turned to share the sight with his mother. As soon as he opened his mouth, though, the pacifier started to slip and he quickly closed it again. He kept his grip on his beloved pacifier, but the two of them missed sharing an exciting discovery.

If you're prepared to deal with a few tears in your quest to lessen your child's pacifier dependency, the least painful and most effective way to do it is to progressively reduce his access to the pacifier during the day, with an aim to (eventually) confining its use to bedtime. You might start by gradually giving up your responsibility for the pacifier and passing it over to him. This way, it's not up to you to know where the pacifier is at every moment — if your child wants it, he needs to go get it. Of course, if the binkie gets lost you'll help him search and if he's heading to the doctor's for a series of shots you'll make sure the pacifier goes too. But you're introducing the notion that it's easier to play and talk, and even to listen to a story or watch a video, without the pacifier.

When his daytime dependency has waned, start moving gently toward the idea that the best place for his pacifier is his bed. Don't actually forbid him to use it anywhere else — if you do, his anxiety will make him need his coveted "lovey" even more. Instead, place it on his pillow whenever you find it elsewhere, and tell him that if the pacifier "lives" in his bed he'll always know where it is. If he spends a lot of time in the car and often naps in his car seat, you may need to compromise with a second pacifier that "lives" there. Consider fastening that pacifier to the seat so it doesn't come with him to the mall or the grocery store.

By this time, the habit of having the pacifier in his mouth no matter what he's doing will have faded, and he'll associate the sucking comfort it gives him with going to sleep. Of course, if your partner or your child's caregivers are kept in the dark about your plans, they can easily undermine your anti-pacifier campaign. If his father decides that today's the day to give up the pacifier and refuses to let him have it at naptime, for instance, or if your child's caregiver pops it into his mouth when he whines, you'll have a lot of work to do over again. Make sure you have their cooperation in your mission to wean your child from his pacifier and you'll be well on your way to helping him say goodbye to his binkie for good.